When I Struggle to Leave my Past in the Past
Last night, I started to work on this website and I was feeling excited about using my gift of writing to encourage someone else. But as I was driving to work I started thinking about all of the foolish things that I've said and done in my past.
I cringed at the thought of God actually watching my behaviour and listening to the rubbish that came out of my mouth. Even though I repented for these things years ago, the thoughts of what I said and did still managed to come to back to try and make me relive the guilt.
I quickly came to realise that these thoughts were not from God because He had already forgiven me, so where did they actually come from?
satan was trying to drag me down. I had to quickly put my foot down, if I gave him a foot hold, I would have probably spent the day feeling low which could have almost likely resulted in putting a stop to creating this blog. Ephesians 4:37 tells me that I shouldn't give satan an opportunity to come in, so I had to stop him in his tracks right there and then by believing what God said in His word about forgiveness and understanding that I already possess the power and authority to reject lies from satan.
““So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper.”
James 4:7
The Message”
I just want you to know that your past is not a surprise to God as He is the creator of all living things and He has seen it all before. The Bible is proof of this.
Jeremiah 31:3 tells us that God said: “I've never stopped loving you and never will. Look forward to my continuous love!” God's love for us is eternal, it did not end when you turned your back on Him, when you made those silly mistakes, when everyone else turned their backs on you or when others hurt and rejected you. There is nothing you can do to stop Him from loving you. If you have been given a specific task to do for God, keep pushing on and don't let the thoughts of your past abort your dreams and visions.
In the Bible, Hagar got herself into serious trouble! She was left alone with her son in the wilderness because she had an illegitimate child with Abraham who was already married! Abraham’s wife, Sarah, couldn't have children and Hagar was promised that if she gave Abraham a son, they would be looked after. When things went wrong, she found herself alone with her son. Hagar more than likely felt used and rejected. Her situation probably made her feel worthless like a piece of old furniture that was tossed into the street and forgotten about. She turned to God for help and He heard her desperate cry and promised that a great nation would come from her child, Ishmael also. (Read Genesis 21:10-21)
Rehab was a prostitute and God saved her just because she had faith in Him (Read Hebrews 11:31)
Zacchaeus was a tax collector who was a cheat because he would collect more tax than what was required and kept the extra for himself to become rich. God saved him because he sought after Jesus and was willing to change. (Read Luke 19: 1-10)
The woman of Samaria had five husbands and the man that she was with at the time when she met Jesus was not even one of them! God saved her because she had a desire for a new life with Jesus. (Read St John 4:1-42)
In each of these situations everyone had different reasons for seeking God. The Lord did not judge them by their past or their situations. He looked beyond their faults and just saw their needs and now, God is ready to do something new in your life. So you can no longer allow your past to determine your future.
It's time to let go and move forward - start walking.
Welcome to my Walk
I was brought up in church, so grew up knowing all about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Christianity protocol. However, even when I reached my early twenties, I still didn't feel ready to make that step to confess that Jesus died, rose against and was my saviour.
Truth be told, I was afraid! Don't get me wrong, I liked church; after all it was a big part of not only my life, but also my family's life, but if I can be honest with you, I found it boring.
Each and every time I refused to take the first step towards my walk with God wasn't about wanting to be rebellious or purposely wanting to reject God because I believed in Jesus. At that point in time, I was just more concerned with my personal issues. I worried about having to managing all of the baggage and pressure that came along with being a Christian . All I could see in front of me were more rules and regulations and I imagined myself struggling with an endless list of things that I would have to stop doing.
The church hats, long skirts, the thought of reading the bible day in, day out and even sometimes the miserable faces put me off wanting to commit. I didn't mind having to go to church on a Sunday morning but the thought of living "the church life" terrified me.
I heard very convincing sermons during those days, however, the thought of saying "yes" made me feel uncomfortable because I knew I wouldn't be able to take my "yes" back if I decided to change my mind because of the pressure that would come with having to live up to other people's expectations.
It seems funny now, but I used to think that once I made the commitment to starting my walk, I would have to become a boring God loving robot who loves to be in church twenty-four seven and walks around saying: "God loves you my brother or sister."
I also felt that I wasn't like other saved people in church. They all seemed to have it together and they all appeared to love God and the church life. Back then, I didn't really think I was talented. I feared rejection so I didn't really like to go up to the front to talk, read or pray, and if I started my walk, it would mean that I would have to step outside of my comfort zone.
Boredom was a major concern of mine. What would I do if I ended up feeling stuck? Becoming a Christian meant to me that I would have to exchange my time spent having a good time with my friends in clubs and bars for bible classes and prayer meetings and if I really wanted to go wild and have a good time the only acceptable option available to me would be a weekend away at a convention. I also thought, that after a while, all Christians eventually became clones of each other. Even though I had low self esteem issues during that time in my life, I still wanted to be just Chantelle. The title of "Sister Chantelle" seemed way too heavy. I was confused, eventually I knew that God was calling me but I didn't understand why God wanted to call someone like me to walk with Him, especially when I felt so negatively towards becoming a Christian? I guess I felt that I didn't deserve Him because I felt so different in comparison to the other Christians around me at the time.
Ok, enough of my rambling, let's get back to you. If you are someone who used to be like me, I know exactly how it feels to be sitting on the fence when it comes to making up your mind about saying yes to God.
Perhaps you know that God is calling you because He wants you to have a closer walk with Him but maybe you feel as if you aren't ready. You may have things going on in your life that has created a barrier between yourself and God. Possibly the thought of committing to something that you may want to get out of later on down the line of sounds like a lot of pressure.
Whatever the reason, I'm glad you decided to stop by today. Sitting on the fence could even mean that you've said yes to starting your walk with God but you haven't been making much progress.
I've chosen to mention this on my blog today because I started my walk with God about 9 years ago but I have only come to realise in the last few years that I have actually moved from where I started. I wasn't really making any progression, who knows, maybe I was just walking around in circles rather than moving forward. I just don't want YOU to waste as much time as I did, I don't want YOU to be worrying about stuff like I was. The whole purpose of this blog is to encourage, motivate and challenge you.
Your walk is a personal one, no one can force you to start it but I'd really love it if you would stick around and continue to read as I walk with God and hopefully it will encourage you to start a walk of your own.
This blog is for ANYONE including people who are just curious about God, others who don't feel that they are ready to make a commitment and also readers who are already saved but feel they are bored, stuck or want to have a closer walk with God.
Start walking :-)